It sounds a little masochistic,
but I actually appreciate being
rejected.
No, I don't needlessly relish the
sting of reproach, or eagerly welcome
scornful criticism, per se. But, as a
writer, a salesperson, and an entrepreneur,
I have come to appreciate that
there is a strong correlation between
the frequency of rejections that I withstand
and the amount of success I generate,
especially in my career.
Every professional writer can wallpaper
a mansion with rejection slips.
In fact, I read somewhere that the
famous novel The Yearling was submitted
under a different title as an
experiment, and it was rejected by
scores of publishers AFTER it had won
incredible acclaim. Curiously, the original
publisher rejected the work, too.
Salespeople are taught that there is a
math-of-success. They have to withstand
a certain number of no's before
they can earn a yes. And few entrepreneurs
succeed after trying only one
venture. Typically, it takes several
attempts, and even when one initiative
prevails, its lifespan is limited.
As I write this article, in fact, I'm
probably not experiencing enoughrejection. If I want to get more done, to
appreciate the thrills of more achievements,
I need to put myself on the line,
more and more. I have to ask for what
I want and need, and of course when I
do so, I'll be giving people the power
to say NO.
Let me ask you this:
What could you achieve in life if
you decided to become totally and
blissfully impervious to hostile criticism
and to rejection? What careers or
hobbies would you pursue that you're
just too emotionally brittle to engage
in now?
For instance, a friend of mine is a
professional actor. He is among the 10
percent of thespians who actually find
a considerable amount of work in the
field. In fact, just this year he appeared
in four motion pictures, and a few
were highly publicized and did fairly
well at the box office.
But he has to constantly trawl for
work, and he is a tireless self-promoter.
Though he hopes that one of his
roles will become a breakout success and will attract even more roles, he
doesn't assume this will occur.
On the contrary, he hustles day in
and day out, answering every casting
call and networking like crazy to hear
about roles that he might play. He
behaves like a kid who is struggling to
get into the business, and he's grateful
for every break he gets.
He speculates that most people don't
make a living in the acting field
because they become worn down by
rejections. They stop believing in
their skills, and as a result, they
try less and less. And by trying
less, they succeed less.
If they would just work the
numbers and eagerly go for
every opportunity, they'd work
more, they'd polish their skills,
and they'd stay busy doing what
they love. Success would then
become inevitable.
I've been giving considerable
thought to the fear of rejection,
and here's one of my conclusions
about it:
It isn't the rejection that is intrinsically
disturbing. It's the interpretation
we make about it that drives us nuts
and prevents us from realizing our
potential.
What do we tell ourselves? In
essence, we draw the wrong inferences
and make inappropriate generalizations
from these experiences.
For one thing, we tell ourselves that
the rejections will be pervasive. If X
rejected us, so will Y and Z.
Another tendency is to believe that
today's rejection will be permanent. If
X said no yesterday, he'll definitely
say no today and tomorrow.
Finally, we tell ourselves that rejection
is personal. It's about us, as individuals,
and it reveals fundamental
flaws about our character, our skills, or
our attractiveness.
When you read these things, they
instantly seem foolish, don't they?
For instance, on what authority, we
have to ask ourselves, do we know that
if X rejected us, Y and Z will follow
suit? We fear that that will be the case,
and we may suspect it will be so. But by
no means is it conclusive, until we make
it that way by failing to keep trying.
Likewise, on what basis can we
assert that today's rejection will recur
tomorrow?
When I was a salesperson, working
my way through college, I contacted a
fellow who LOUDLY rejected my offer,
to say the least. Actually, he got
unhinged and declared, “Never contact
me again!”
I remember this episode vividly,
because it was so exceptional.
Anyway, the very next day, by mistake,
I phoned him. (Apparently, I forgot
to strike his name from my list.)
My error became apparent to me only
after I got him on the line and asked
him how he was.
At that second, I thought, “Oops!”
To my surprise, he replied, “I'm fine.”
I had no choice but to continue with
my sales spiel, fully expecting him to
reject me, even more loudly and
emphatically, at any moment. Imagine
how shocked I was to ask him for his
order and to hear him cheerfully respond with, “Okay!”
He bought from me, the very day after
telling me to never contact him again!
Please believe me when I tell you it
was a mistake that I had called him
back. Given how poorly the first call
went, I was in no mood for a repeat
performance. But by erring in this way,
I accidentally proved the point that
rejection isn't necessarily permanent.
Today's no can even be a precursor,
and a necessary one, to tomorrow's
yes, if we only get our minds
around the concept.
This story also demonstrates
that rejection isn't necessarily
personal. The day before, when
this guy bit my head off, he was
probably overwhelmed by
something that had nothing to
do with me. Yet, when many of
us are being spurned, our
impulse is to blame ourselves
and to feel sullied by the overall
experience. We feel awful and
beat ourselves down before the
next person can do it to us.
So, what can we do to conquer rejection
and to actually learn to invite it?
Four Actions to Conquer
Rejection
- Tell yourself it is isolated.
- Tell yourself it is temporary.
- Tell yourself it doesn't pertain to
you, personally. In other words, they
may be rejecting your idea or offer,
but they aren't rejecting YOU.
- Prove these truths by actively seeking
more rejections. If you hope to
publish that novel or to get that
screenplay into the right hands,
send it out more widely. Give more
people the chance to say no!
This is one of the great secrets of the
Law of Large Numbers. Do more of
anything and you'll make success
inevitable!
Dr. Gary S. Goodman is a popular
keynote speaker, consultant, and seminar
leader, and the bestselling author
of 12 books. Gary teaches
Entrepreneurship and Consulting at
UCLA Extension, and he is President
of Customersatisfaction.com and The
Goodman Organization. When he isn't
being rejected, he can usually be
found at the beach in Santa Monica,
California, where he makes his home.
Learn more about Dr. Gary S.
Goodman and his new audio program, The Law of Large Numbers: How To
Make Success Inevitable.