I describe myself as "a nice guy in
recovery." I used to basically go
along with what others asked of me,
never making the effort to define
what my needs were — heck, I didn't
think I even had any needs. I would
tend to cave in to others' requests
whenever I might have shown any
resistance. And I chose to feel guilty
whenever someone expressed surprise
that I didn't immediately
acquiesce.
Fortunately, I gave up feeling guilty
one year for Lent, and it never came
back. I realized I actually did have
needs, that they were important, and
that I could begin to ask for what I
wanted regardless of others' reaction.
And when I started to make clear
requests, I started to get what I asked
for — funny how that works, huh?
So yes ... I was an addict, an
"approval-seeking junkie" — a person
who will do anything asked because
he wants to be liked, and above all
else to be seen as "a nice guy." Here
are five scenarios to help you decide
if you've got this same monkey on
your back:
- Your boss comes by at 5 p.m. and
says he'd really like to have a
certain report completed for a meeting
the next day. You agree to finish it and
call your spouse to put off plans
you've had for months to go to the
opera that evening.
- You think you might like to go
skiing for a few days over the
holidays, when your parents mention
they'd like you to hang around to help
"just in case." You don't go, and they
don't need you at all.
- You want to get an advanced
degree to increase your career
opportunities, so you intend to begin a
weeknight home study schedule. Your
friends invite you out on one of the
first evenings for a "goomba night" of
eats, drinks, and laughs. You get home
with the help of a designated driver at
2 a.m.
- You have done a lot of work on a
proposal to a seemingly wellqualified
prospect. After your presentation
the prospect says, "That was
great! Why don't you call me at the
beginning of next month?" You smile,
shake hands, and then spend the next
three years in voicemail hell trying to
get back in to see him.
- You've shared your thoughts
about a startup business. A couple
of well-meaning relatives ask you
what your backup plan is. You begin to
worry that maybe going out on your
own isn't such a good idea and put it
on indefinite hold.
In all of the instances above, the
people I described are afraid to ask for
what they want. At the root is the
"fear of disapproval" — the fear of
what other people might think about
you or say about you if you were to
really do what you wanted to do and
say what you wanted to say. I believe
people become unwittingly addicted
to approval-seeking behavior at an
early age. In a way it's more insidious
than other addictions because it has
no physical symptoms. But if it goes
unchecked, it fosters stress, "overwhelm,"
and feelings of resentment ...
and can lead to depression if not
alleviated.
Where does this rampant addiction
come from anyhow? It begins for all of
us in childhood — when we're young,
we need the approval of our parents or
we'll literally die. So we learn to
want what they want for us and
become good little approval seekers.
Unfortunately, it can become a problem
when we get older and start generalizing
this approval-seeking behavior
with our teachers, our powerfulappearing
peers, and then our bosses.
Somewhere along the line we lose (or
never develop) our ability to decide for
ourselves what we want. And the habit
is set, often for life.
So what does it take to kick the
habit? To start, let me suggest this:
Whenever someone makes a request
of you, silently ask yourself, "Do I
REALLY want to agree to do what
this person is asking, or am I afraid
to refuse because the other person
will be mad/upset/disappointed with
me?" And listen for the answer. That
way, if you say yes, you'll be making
a conscious choice to go along. And if
the answer is no you've got the opportunity
to assert your needs and negotiate
an outcome that works for both
of you.
Let's see how this works with the
five examples above:
- You tell your boss about your
plans and ask if it would be OK to finish the report first thing in the
morning. Understand that I'm not
suggesting you get fired over this —
just making sure you ask for what
you want so your spouse doesn't
"fire" you!
- Let your parents know you'll be
there on the holiday, then available
by cell phone at the ski resort.
They'll live, and you'll get over your
guilt. (Trust me on this — my father
was Catholic and my mother was
Jewish, so I'm a Zen Master of
Guilt).
- Tell your friends you'll take a
rain check but that you're looking
forward to attending the basketball
game with them on Saturday. Of
course they're gonna taunt you about
being a "wuss," but someday they'll
probably be working for you.
- Don't be afraid to ask your
prospects pointed questions
like, "What's our next step? Can we
set a date and time to reconvene?"
When I tell people to do this, their
fear is that they'll be perceived as a
"pest." I help them reframe the situation
by asking, "Would you rather risk
being a 'pest,' or go out of business?"
That usually gets their attention.
- There will always be "doubting
Thomases" for anyone who
intends to start a business. This last
situation actually happened to me in
1993 when I was just starting out as a
full-time business coach. I'll bet those
relatives of mine are STILL wondering
what my backup plan is ...
Finally, be clear on this: I am NOT
suggesting you become arrogant, egotistical,
obnoxious, or over-demanding
in your dealings with others. I just
want to encourage you to kick the
approval-seeking habit by just saying
NO whenever your own needs won't
be met. By asserting yourself consistently,
you'll be a happier "nice
guy/gal in recovery."
Since developing his first coaching program in 1982, Success Skills Coach Jim Rohrbach, "The Personal Fitness Trainer for Your Business," has coached hundreds of business owners, entrepreneurs, and sales professionals on increasing their clientele.
Learn more about Jim Rohrbach at
www.AdvantEdgeMag.com/CoachsCorner.
To find out how a Nightingale-Conant coach can help you become a high achiever, call us at 877.512.3100 to speak with a coaching representative.
