Throughout history, most of the
great achievements and incredible
comebacks have been the
result of an individual whose motivation
to persevere was influenced by a
coach or mentor. In science, art, politics,
sports, and business, there is a
common thread of having been
coached among those who achieve
greatness. A coach doesn't need to be a
professional consultant or counselor.
He or she could be someone within
your organization or industry, or it
could be someone from your personal
life whom you respect or admire.
A study was undertaken on the
Hawaiian island of Kauai by two
researchers named Emily Werner and
Ruth Smith. This study, which followed
more than 450 people from
childhood through their adult lives,
was an attempt to learn why some
people are motivated to overcome
severe disadvantages, while others
from the same background seem to
have been overwhelmed by their
problems. This research continued for
an incredible length of time: 40 years,
to be exact.
According to the research, one of
the most interesting qualities of these
motivated individuals is their ability
to recognize potential sources of support
in other people, to look beyond
the walls of their homes to find relatives,
friends, teachers, or other role
models who can provide help. This
very important finding illustrates the
benefits of forming mentor relationships
to encourage achievement.
Choosing a coach or mentor is like
having an additional correctional
device to keep you on target. An
analogy of this premise comes from
aerospace technology. Years ago, the
military used inertial guidance systems
on missiles. Unfortunately,
once the course of an inertially guided
missile is set, it proceeds along
that path with no capability for
adjustments. It's like a bullet fired
from a rifle. Even when the aim is good at the outset, if the target moves
unexpectedly once the projectile is in
flight, the shot is going to miss. And
if there's one thing you can count on
in life, it's that the target is going to
be moving! In the Gulf War of 1992,
the Patriot missile that defended
Israel and Saudi Arabia was introduced.
Unlike previous defenses,
this system had an advanced selfadjusting
navigation system that continuously
monitored the missile's trajectory
as well as the path of its swiftly
moving target. The Patriot was able
to make whatever corrections were
necessary, regardless of changes in
the position or speed of its objective.
A highly motivated person uses a
coach or mentor in the same way
when he or she has targeted a worthwhile
goal. A coach or mentor can
assist you in making adjustments and
navigating through difficult times.
Selecting the Right
Mentor
Finding coaches and mentors is an
important mission, and you will no
doubt have several over the course of
your life. It is critical that you choose
them wisely. Your mentor is someone
to whom you'll be committing a great
deal of time and attention, and who
ideally will take a very focused interest
in you as well.
The process of selecting a mentor
begins, first of all, with a clear-sighted
view of what your life's goals are,
both for your career and your personal
life.
If you're just starting out as an associate
in a large law firm, you might
choose one of the senior partners as
your mentor, or perhaps a partner in
another firm you're familiar with. If
you're just starting a family, and
you're facing the lifestyle adjustments
that kids require, your mentor could
very likely be someone who is reaching
the other end of this very exciting,
but demanding, process. In any case,
your mentors should be people whose
experience can serve as a model for
reaching your most significant goals
in the most important areas of your
life.
Selecting a mentor is not just a matter
of finding someone you like or feel
comfortable identifying with. Make
sure that the mentors you
choose have a genuine history
of success. I'm continually
amazed by the number of people who
look to only superficially successful
people as role models for achievement.
Even experts can make conspicuous
mistakes of judgment in this area.
The next time you're in a bookstore or
library, take a look at the bestselling
books on business and management
from four or five years ago. There's an
excellent chance that some of the companies
cited as models of efficiency
are now out of business. I don't bring
this up to disparage anyone's business
expertise, but simply to point out the
need for great care in selecting a coach
whose success will stand the test of
time.
In addition to selecting your coaches
based on their ability to achieve
goals similar to your own, choose
mentors who in the process have overcome
some of the same obstacles
you're facing. Ideally, a mentor really
represents both what you want to
become in a particular area of life and
what you want to do. Seeing your
mentors today is like seeing what you
intend to be. The coach has arrived at
or been to places similar to where you
want to go.
Choosing a celebrity or public figure
as a mentor is a very questionable
decision. If at all possible, select a
mentor with whom you can actually
spend time and with whom you enjoy
having conversations and exploring
ideas.
Of course, you can have admired
historical personages, authors, educators,
or artists as role models. If you
discover someone with whom you feel
a special affinity, make an effort to
obtain everything that person has written
or said. Really become a student of
the person's work and life. Don't just
admire him or her, genuinely learn
from him or her, as I have learned from
the life and wisdom of Benjamin
Franklin.
One of the most interesting aspects
of selecting a mentor is the fact that
one can rarely separate people's tangible
achievements from the qualities
of their character. More than their
bank accounts or their real estate
holdings, role models prove by the
conduct of their lives that they're
worth emulating.
Avoid Fair-Weather
Supporters
When you seek support and feedback,
be sure it is from people who are truly
interested in seeing you succeed. Don't
seek feedback from fair-weather friends,
competitive peers, or any person who
doesn't have your best interests at
heart. Neutral doesn't count. Get feedback
from someone who is on your side
but will still be objective and brutally
honest with you.
Misery truly does love company, and jealousy
creates some of the most miserable
people. Surpass the achievements of your
particular social crowd or your business
colleagues, and look out for the slings
and arrows of those who wish you were
back where they are.
You have to dodge the snide remarks
and catty comments. Let them roll right
off you. Don't internalize them. Only pay
attention to feedback from those who
have similar goals or who are working
actively alongside you to achieve goals of
their own.
Motives and fears run deep. Study them
in others. The manager who supports
you and comforts you when you're
down may like you best when you are in
just that state: down and dependent.
When you start succeeding beyond his
expectations and comfort level, he may
be among the first to get you to back off,
limit your horizons, and lower your
goals. Recognize this feedback for the
insecurity it is. It will rarely be objective
or well-intentioned.
Even parents and significant family members
aren't immune to emotional conflicts
that can pollute their feedback.
Many relatives and siblings have difficulty
accepting the success of others in the
family or encouraging further success.
Ultimately, nobody else is responsible for
your life but you. Nobody else is accountable
for your actions but you. Therefore,
nobody's expectations for you and opinions
about you are as important as your
own. So make sure your opinions take
precedence in your mind over all others,
and when you do need to consult with
someone else, think very carefully before
you choose exactly who.
Learn more about Denis Waitley
and his many timeless books and
audio programs.