Success is a concept that carries with it all
kinds of associations. Money, career achievement,
fame, these and a dozen other factors contribute
in one way or another to our working definition
of success. But at the end of the day,
there's one aspect of success that carries more
weight than all of them combined. When your
Creator asks you how you did on earth, He or She
is going to be asking about your relationships,
not your bank account. If you've had wonderful
family relationships, you will be able to call
yourself a true success in life no matter what else
you've achieved.
My wife Marilee and I have been
married for 34 years. Notice I didn't
say "happily" married for 34 years.
The truth is, there were many years
when at least one of us wasn't very
happy with the other one. But rather
miraculously, we made it through, and
now I can honestly say I've never been
happier with our relationship. I see my
55-year-old wife as the most wonderful,
prettiest, sexiest woman I know.
She's also my best friend.
At the same time, over those 34 years,
we've watched about half the couples we
know get divorced, while another significant
percentage live in what Thoreau
might call "quiet unhappiness."
What are the secrets to making your
most important life relationship
healthy and successful? Certainly, the
specifics vary from one situation to the
next. But I think you'll find that the
solution to almost every relationship
challenge can be discovered by examining
your actions in two areas: commitment
and communication.
(Commitment)
How committed are
you? There is a remarkable
difference between a commitment
of 99% and 100%.
First and foremost, you must be disciplined
about making your significant
other a top priority in your life.
Relationships that "make it" have
remained a top priority of both of the
parties involved.
In its early days, our primary relationship
always has top priority. We're
usually obsessed with the other person,
ignoring their faults and seeing
their idiosyncrasies as cute. As time
passes, however, we become accustomed
to our significant other, and we
start seeing that they're not nearly as
flawless as they once were. At the
same time, a hundred different priorities
— our jobs, our kids, our sports
teams — start vying for top priority
positions. Over time, it's easy and natural
for the relationship to slip way
down on our list of priorities without
even noticing it.
During our 13th year of marriage,
my relationship with Marilee was at a
low point, and I was contemplating
my marriage alternatives. Perhaps
because of the generation I grew up in,
I never gave divorce a serious thought.
But I was beginning to think about
how miserable I would be for the rest
of my life if something didn't change.
That just wasn't an acceptable future,
so I decided to experiment with committing
100% to our marriage.
As I'm sure you have noticed in your
own life, there is a huge difference
even between a commitment of 99%
and one of 100%. Once I made that
total, 100% commitment, something
magical seemed to happen. Tiny
changes began occurring. Among them,
Marilee started looking prettier, and I
naturally started complimenting her
more. Before I knew it, I was enjoying
her more and she naturally responded
by being nicer to me, too. Looking back
now, it was as simple as bringing our
relationship back to the top priority
position it always deserved.
What is your current level of commitment
to your most significant relationship?
If you can't honestly say it is
100%, try my 100% commitment
experiment for yourself. Where does
your primary relationship fall on your
priority list? If it's not at the very top
at the moment, experiment with making
it your top priority for a while and
see what happens.
100% commitment means seeing
problems all the way through to their
solutions. And that can sometimes
require you to look at challenges in a
way you never considered. For example,
my daughter Chappell went
through a couple years of being constantly
sick and missing a lot of
school. I was very judgmental toward
her because I couldn't understand why
she could not control her illness. You
see, at one point in my youth I decided
that I could control my health;
since then I have virtually never been
sick. So as far as I was concerned,
Chappell should have been able to
control her health as I had. She just
wasn't applying herself.
One day, a wise friend and confidant
said, "Listen, Vic. At this moment,
Chappell seems to be working on illness
as her life issue. Your life issue is
different, but hers is just as valid as
yours. Allow her to have her life issue."
I immediately knew he was right. My
life issue, then as now, was managing
Nightingale-Conant. Just as I could not
understand Chappell's health issue, I
realized there were areas of management
I found challenging that many of
my business friends saw as ludicrously
simple. With just a little effort, I was
able to stop judging Chappell for being
ill. And she quickly got better.
My wife, Marilee, has had a chronic
illness for the last 15 years. Thanks to
my experience with Chappell, my
friend's advice, and my commitment
to our relationship, I've been able to be
nonjudgmental and supportive of her
condition, when I might have let it
drive me crazy, and driven her crazy in
the process.
What is the life issue you're working
on now? It could be one of a million. It
could be business like me or health
like Marilee, weight, shyness, money,
anxiety, fear of one thing or another.
Whatever it is, it's just as valid as anyone
else's in the world.
Could you be judging other important
people in your life who are just
working on their own life issues?
Remember, the solution to their life
issue might seem simple to you, just as
the solution to yours would be simple
to someone else. As my friend said to
me, let them have their life issue. Play
with this concept, and you'll find, as I
did, that it has a profound effect on
your judgments.
The great Earl Nightingale once said
that there are two types of problems. The
first type is solved forever once a solution
is found. The second type has no
final solution. A relationship problem is
an example one that has no solution.
Today, you may feel like everything
is great in your relationship. But if you
don't continue to work on it, if you
don't renew your commitment every
day, it will quickly disintegrate. A
relationship takes constant effort to
keep it fresh and alive. You can never
feel as if you've got it knocked. I know
that someday soon, Marilee will come
up to me as she has many times in the
past, saying, "Vic, we need to talk." I
now know those code words mean,
"Vic, you are doing something that is
threatening our relationship, and I
need you to listen to me." And if I do
listen to her and try to hear her needs,
and adapt to them if I can, we'll continue
to go on our merry way together.
(Communication)
What language are you
speaking? You may be surprised
to know that people
speak different "love languages," as different as English
and Japanese. Knowing how
to communicate is essential to
happy relationships.
The second element to living a balanced
life of success and happiness in
your relationships is continuing to
improve your communication with
your loved ones and significant others.
One of the greatest books on the topic
of relationship communications that
I've ever run across is called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Gary is a marriage counselor, and he
has discovered that different people
have different ways they prefer to
receive the communication of love
from their mate. He calls these communication
preferences "love languages."
Through his career, Gary has found
five different love languages that seem
to encapsulate everyone's love communication
preferences. If you're
speaking one love language and your
spouse is speaking another one, you
can be in serious trouble and not even
know it. In his book, Gary goes
through example after example of couples
on the verge of divorce whose
relationships are saved when they discovered
and accepted each other's love
language. One couple who virtually
had not spoken to each other for over
30 years ended up falling in love again
and on their way to a second honeymoon
thanks to this information.
Gary says that each of us has what
he calls an "emotional love tank." This
tank can be filled with loving feelings,
or it can be virtually empty. It all
depends on whether or not we are
receiving the proper type of loving
communications.
The first love language is Words of
Affirmation. With words of affirmation,
you use positive statements to
show your love to another, and you
need to hear affirmative statements
from others to feel loved.
Verbal compliments or words of
appreciation are powerful communicators
of love: things like, "You really
look beautiful tonight," or "You must
be the best cook in the world," or "I
really appreciate you always taking
out the garbage." If you personally feel
good when people compliment you,
and if you find it easy to give other
people verbal affirmations, this may be
your primary love language.
The second love language is Quality
Time. This is feeling emotionally fulfilled
when your significant other gives
you his or her full, undivided attention,
and needing to show your love to
someone else in the same way by giving
that person your focused attention.
One way to give someone quality
time is through quality conversations
in which you share with each other
your thoughts, feelings, and desires.
This doesn't include giving advice. It's
strictly listening sympathetically, not
interrupting, and then sharing yourself
from the heart. Just being in close proximity
doesn't count either. Quality
time means looking into each other's
eyes and really communicating.
Another way to express quality time
is through quality activities: doing
things with your mate that he or she
enjoys in order to show your love. Day
trips, gardening, going out to dinner,
playing games, vacationing, and taking
walks together are all potentially quality
activities.
The third love language is Acts of
Service — happily doing things for
your mate that make him or her happy.
Cooking, setting the table, doing the
dishes, vacuuming the house, and
washing the car are examples of acts of
service. An act of service requires
thought, planning, time, effort, and
energy. If done with a positive attitude,
it's an expression of love. Gary says that
the act of service should be requested,
not demanded. Demanding would end
up being counterproductive and make
your mate resent doing things for you.
The fourth love language is
Receiving Gifts. Throughout the ages,
in every culture throughout the world,
people have expressed love through
the giving of gifts. Gifts are a physical
and visual symbol of love. A wedding
ring is an example. Gifts don't have to
be expensive; they can be purchased, found, or made. A single flower or card
counts. It's the thought and creativity
behind the gift that matter. A gift shows
that your mate remembered you and
took the time and effort to give you
something to show he or she loves you.
The fifth love language is Physical
Touch. Studies have shown that a
child will die if it is denied physical
touch. For some of us, touching is the
strongest indicator that we're loved.
Holding hands, hugging, kissing, sexual
intercourse, even simply putting a
hand on the other person or sitting
close together when you're watching
TV are all examples of physical touch.
Do you have a feeling for which is
your primary love language? How
about your spouse's? If you're not sure
what your primary love language is
yet, here are a few questions that will
help you figure it out:
First, what does your spouse do or
fail to do that hurts you most deeply?
When you get that in mind, the opposite
is probably your love language. For
example, maybe your husband doesn't
pick up his clothes and it drives you
crazy. That would be an indicator that
your language might be Acts of Service.
Next, what have you most often
requested from your spouse? This
probably indicates the thing you most
need to feel loved. Finally, how do you
usually express your love to your
spouse? This may be an indication
that would also make you feel loved.
When you have some time, make a
list of the five love languages and rank
order them, and ask your mate to do
the same. Marilee and I have had a lot
of fun at small dinner parties getting
people to go through this process. It
makes for a stimulating conversation.
But beyond a party game, why is it
important to know what the primary
and even secondary love language is
for you and your spouse? As I said earlier,
like a foreign language, you might
be trying to communicate your love in
a way that makes perfect sense to you
but doesn't even register on the Richter
scale with your spouse. And like a new
language, it may require some effort on
your part to really become fluent in
your spouse's love language.
True, long-lasting emotional love is
a choice. If communicating your
spouse's love language doesn't come
naturally, that's okay. Making the effort
to learn that language shows an even
greater expression of your love.
Remember, love is something you do
for someone else, not something you do
for yourself. If you really love someone,
you're willing to make the effort to learn
how to show your love to your mate in
a way that will be recognized and be
meaningful to him or her. You may not
find it easy or natural to do. But if you
make the effort, your partner's love tank
will be filled, and he or she will be more
willing to work on filling yours. You'll
be on your way to a healthy, thriving,
successful relationship—and ultimately,
a truly successful life.
The Five
Love Languages
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Physical Touch
From The Five Love Languages by
Gary Chapman.